I can't believe I'm back

My last post was over a year ago and I'm coming out of Blogger retirement with no makeup, no shoes, and a baby on one hand. Wow. 

I have an hour to write and have my fingers crossed that this becomes a meaningful post, so if you're reading this, I hope you get to the end without getting bored. 

September 2014 photo diary

It's simple.

shoes- Nike LunarElite City Pack, bag- Balenciaga, watch- Armani, coat and cap- Zara, dress (worn as top)- American Apparel, jeans- 7 for all Mankind

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You know what I've been feeling lately? 

Grateful. 

Yes, I have so much to be thankful for... but as much as I hide most of my work from everyone online, I know I flaunt enough for people to think that I'm living a good life- a bit of truth into it but I know I put the work in. And it's true, you reap what you sow but it's never instant gratification. 

I've battled enough bouts of sadness through the past couple of years but there's a huge pressure to be happy especially since I appear to have all the reasons to be content and happy. I try my best and there are parts of my life that aren't so ironed out but I work with what I have. I have enough faith to do better things and feel safe about my life decisions. 

There's always a huge pressure from inside me. People expect you to be a lot of things but the only thing that really matters is how you reach your own standards for yourself (if you have any).

So do I feel like I'm moving forward? Definitely. I had 2 months of self-doubt, of trying my hardest to keep from falling into that box of sadness. I chose to move on and I chose to notice what I had that others didn't. I know better than to wallow in self-pity. I acted on this grey area and hoped for the best. 

I'm moving forward in my career by taking up my masters in my dream city. A big deal for me but I have so much to prove and work on yet again. What are my dreams? I don't know, but I do know that I have a bigger calling. Cliche as others may think, I need to be able to serve others and provide opportunities for others as how others have given me the opportunity to do so much. The future is always scary but it makes me even more nervous if my plans don't shake me.

Every little thing in life leads to something bigger if you just allow it to. I'm not focused every minute of my life but I try to. I have fun for a reason, I get away for a reason. Do I overthink things? We all do. But we can choose the trajectory of our thoughts. I'm lucky I can now choose who and where to channel all my energy towards. A bit selfish but I believe everyone is. 

Never expect anything from anyone except yourself. That is the key to success and happiness. 

Your thoughts determine your life experiences. Keep your mind off petty things and focus on what you can do to improve yourself. Simple, really. Life is simple but never easy.

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my birthday + Harrison & Rizbelle's wedding

I went a little mental about turning a year older this year. I decided not to celebrate since I've been extremely anxious about something for the past month now and I feel like I can't really celebrate until I get my results. I also decided to hide my birthday on Facebook to see how many people would really remember. A bit unfair since I'm the one who NEVER remembers anyone's birthday (I even forget my mum's sometimes) and with the amount of "friends" you can have nowadays, how does one really keep track? 
The social experiment failed a bit since I decided to greet my father (we share the same birthday) and I had to post a couple of blog-related gifts and giveaways, but it did prove that nobody really knew my real birthdate without the help of Facebook. 
As with any occasion I tell my friends to stop giving me gifts. It's cards and letters that prove to be the most meaningful to me. I wanted to share with you one of the letters my friends sent me for my birthday since I think we can all take something from it--

Ral! Belated Happy Birthday!!
I wanted to send you this birthday message sooner, but it had to be perfect! I just wanted to share something that captures how i've been feeling recently and how perhaps you can apply since you're thinking of moving to Boston.
An old lover of mine once asked me 'What if your dreams and your fears existed in the same place, would you still go there?'

I must admit, at the time I always thought 'Surely you can pursue your dreams without having to face your fears!' I mean, why put ourselves through that? But as the days go by and my fate is unraveling itself, especially since I will eventually have to leave the comfort of the academia life that i've gotten so used to, I realize nothing is as scary as chasing after your dreams. There is great truth to this; If the thought of pursuing your dreams doesn't keep you up once in a while, then you haven't been shooting for the stars.

That being said, how do we prepare ourselves? How do we face the fears that come with pursuing our dreams? Well I thought about the question more, and realized we need more than just a pat in the back; we need a change in perspective. Not necessarily a perspective i'm asking you to adopt, but perhaps a perspective to get you thinking.

You see, to the universe, nothing really matters. Not family, not relationships, not work. Nothing - your birth is as pointless as your life as well as your death. The universe doesn't give a damn about how you live your life.
...and that's the beauty of it. Because the world around us is inconsequential, the only purpose to your life is the purpose you choose for yourself. The only actions worth pursuing are the actions you want to pursue. That is the ticket to a free spirit, YOUR free spirit, and whenever I think of a free spirit, you are one of the few that come to mind.
So go to that place where your fears and your dreams exist, not many people do. The universe would not punish you for it, and the only punishment that will come is the regret of not daring to dream bigger and the realization that you were more than capable to tackle your fears.
Anyway, I’ll keep it short, I hope you know i'm rooting for you and your decision to move here. I miss hanging out with you and I apologize we didn't get to see each other last winter break, but I know our paths will cross sometime again soon. Until then, may you have many more birthdays! The world is a brighter place with you in it, despite all the black you wear, so squeeze out as many years as you can. 

I'm thankful for friends who can put into words a lot of the things that bother me about life. In the end you are accountable for everything that happens to you, but it makes you feel loads better when you have people in your circle to encourage you to take risks and really put everything you've got into the things you're doing when uncertainties are holding you back.

Apart from choosing to have an uneventful birthday, I flew to Cebu over the weekend to be a bridesmaid at Rizbelle and Harrison's wedding. Much has been said about the rare sighting of me wearing pink and I'm pretty sure it's the first and last time this year. It was an intimate, sweet wedding and I don't think my good friend Rizbelle would've planned it any other way. Honoured to have been asked to be part of the entourage and I am genuinely happy two good souls found each other and chose the right path for the next chapter in life. We need more love stories like theirs.

Congrats again, you two!

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Golden Gate + Sausalito + POFA

TRAGEDY OF THE YEAR

I lost one earring and was so careless last night! I also lost my favorite ear cuff + chain earring along with it, so someone must have hit my ear without me noticing. It's just horrible. I spent one whole morning looking for it but N A D A. I'm quite depressed right now and it's annoying how a small thing can cause this. Dear self, it's your fault and you are not supposed to be materialistic!

Now if any of you can point me to a place where I can find the exact same earring, please tell me!!! This was a grad gift from mum. So much for only wearing these on special occasions... I've worn these in the most sketchy places and they just had to disappear in Prive, on that ONE night I decided to go clubbing again! 

:(

*end of whining*

Post-PRK light sensitivity [via iPhone]

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My eyes are still puffy from crying the whole night last Friday. The Photorefractive Keratectomy (PRK) procedure was pretty quick and painless (they pointed a laser for about 20 seconds on each eye). The only weird part about it all was smelling the protein burning + the clamp that made me feel like Alex from A Clockwork Orange. 

The hours that followed slowly felt like hell, with the blurry vision, sharp shooting pain (you can feel your eyes healing from being lasered, it's like your eyes being poked with a toothpick) and major light sensitivity. I had to rely on my sunglasses even in the dark and put the brightness on all my devices to zero. I didn't have to wear goggles unlike those recovering from LASIK, but I had to wear plastic eye patches each night to make sure I didn't scratch my eye. 

For two days I kept asking myself why I had to go with this procedure instead of  LASIK (zero downtime), but the more I read about it (I was dying of boredom, okay?) the more I realized that I made the right choice. Athletes and people in the army are always encouraged to get PRK, mostly because the chances of complications are minimal. With LASIK a corneal flap is created on your eye before they treat it, and things like bumping onto a tree branch can dislodge it in the future. With all the climbing I'm doing I'm glad I went through PRK without the painkillers and medicine which slows down the healing process. In America patients are typically given Valium before the procedure, and some even say they're given Vicodin right after as a pain reliever. 

I'm getting my contact lens bandages removed later today. My eyesight is sooooo much better now, but I have trouble reading up close. It takes time to achieve 20/20 with PRK (as much as 6 months) since the surface of the cornea takes time to heal, but right now I seriously feel so great! So thankful I got this procedure done!!! I'm excited about surfing without goggles/contacts, climbing without having to bring extra contact lenses and of course waking up without having to reach for my glasses! 

If you're interested in PRK here are a couple of tips

1. RESEARCH about the whole procedure, its risks, complications and the healing process. A lot of people blog and vlog about their recovery, it just takes a bit of Googling/Youtubing. My operation went well but it doesn't work for everyone. I was scared about the failure rate before the operation. 
2. Consult a few doctors. Read reviews online or talk to a few people who have had it done. It's important that you trust your doctor and they disclose everything about the procedure. 
3. Ask a lot of questions. Let your doctor explain the healing process and complications. If they say yes to every patient and convince you that it's 100% safe, walk away!
4. Allot 1 month of not being able to read up close, and about 3 months of shifty vision. 
5. Don't worry too much. Your eyes can't heal instantaneously. You're going to be blind and in pain during the first week. I heard the first few months will be tortuous, but you're going to love your new vision and you'll realize it's all worth it.

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My doctor was Dra. Alnette Tan of the American Eye Center. You can tweet her or AEC for questions! 

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Pinterest Problems

More often than not, some people really don't realize that they're being mean. 

I should know. If you're a friend of mine or if you've met me before, my humour is different and for a Filipino to make really dark jokes, it's sometimes considered improper. We're trained to be dainty, to be delicate and polite... And I certainly do not express my opinions or joke around like one. Thankfully my number of female friends have slightly increased after high school, but I still have to say sorry now and then for looking too serious when I'm kidding about other things... 

I messaged this girl on Facebook the other day since she repinned two photos of mine on Pinterest- one "selfie" and another of me wearing this outfit. The former was posted on an album filled entirely of girls' selfies under the title "vanity", while the latter in an album entitled "Oh No She Didn't!" that was like a fashion faux pas collage. I get her, I cringe at girls and guys who post too many selfies, plus I also wasn't too fond of that certain look of mine... But the captions were really mean- from making fun of girls being too curvy and insulting them for looking like a hot mess. I understand sites that try to be witty when they point out disasters (some make a living out of this!), but this was just another side of Pinterest that I've never seen. She had the guts to repin from my account! 

Whenever someone posts consecutive selfies and then deny their narcissistic tendencies, I always remind myself that not everyone has a photographer with them 24/7- I should know... I live alone and literally have to drag my sister or friend out if I want another Facebook profile photo or an outfit shot, So the rise of selfies are understandable. Getting annoyed of this, too? Get off Instagram. I've found peace in reducing the habitual reviewing of  my Instagram feed when I get bored.

So I thought about what to write to her. Believe me when I say I avoid and hate judging people. I avoided calling her an "internet bully" or a troll since she wasn't in a comfortable, warm blanket of online anonymity- her Pinterest account was linked to her Facebook profile page. So I looked at her photos and saw that she was a mom. My initial reaction was "How can she be so mean, she has kids!". Then I remembered- parents are people, too! Maybe she de-stresses through Pinterest. But I can't help but think about all the girls under those albums. So I figured I'd write her a short, nice note and greeted her a happy mothers' day. That's how I've gotten through most part of my life, really. I've always confronted mean people and I'm very honest about things. But I always try to remember that they may be scared, too. Attacking people and calling them bullies, pitying yourself-- that's never really a good solution because it leads to an endless argument full of self-serving statements (LOL) and pity pleas. 

Reading her message last night actually made me smile. She realised the meanness of her posts without having to ask her to take down my photo, and I discovered that she was a nice a person after all! We're all the same on the internet. We snicker at the bravery of people posting less-than-perfect photos, we comment and rant freely without the chance of getting a response from the other end. I always think twice about posting certain things and that might be the cause for the lack of entries in this blog, but if I hesitated too much to show my work, to express my thoughts, and to dress differently, don't you think I would contradict myself as an artist? This fearlessness and boldness to show everyone what I like or what I am capable of doing merely stems from being able to create and having the talent to reinvent my work. With half my life online, the one important thing I think I've learned to develop is thick skin, and of course a little bit of patience for all the negativity. 

**If you still don't get her explanation, she apologised since she made fun of me for having a "fashion blog". For the record, I never call myself a fashion blogger. I post about design, my outfits, life, photography and trips... Plus I just like changing my Facebook profile photo too often. This is my space on the internet and I even named it after myself, so what's the problem? It's just so ridiculous to say that "some people shouldn't have a blog".

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BBB (bad blogger blues)

Romper- Cotton On, shoes- Zara, necklace- SM Accessories, cardigan- Topshop

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Came across these photos taken more than a month ago, before heading to SMX for Manila F.A.M.E.. I haven't been able to write down my thoughts on this blog, mainly because of the convenience of Instagram! I'm hoping all that's going to change soon as I'm planning to get back to my old style of blogging- back when a photo or two would be enough for an entry. I've somehow forgotten how this was supposed to be like an online journal, so the amount of entries just waiting to be published is piling up. It's ironic how so much of my life has changed during the first half of this year and I haven't told a lot of you about any of that! So far I'm busier but more grateful than ever, and I can't stop saying how lucky I am to be able to actually find what I'm passionate about. It's true that sometimes you find everything that you're doing is so pointless, but they are part of a bigger picture. You doubt yourself so many times, but I've realised it's not that important to seek affirmation/validation from other people-- our own light gives that to us. 

A few photos taken over the weekend...

Too hot even in Baguio. The temperature was up 34ºC  before we headed back to Manila!

I had to work on Labor Day so I was allowed to offset the supposed holiday to go to Baguio with the fam for Riz's birthday. I also had to work for my dad over the weekend, but did I manage to finish? No. I doubt anyone else could with THAT view from home! Flying to Cebu is the same story- I lose the will to get any work done and I become too lazy to even go out for a run... Sometimes the city can do you good! 

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ILLUMINATE

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Whenever we get sick of cooking/cleaning/doing laundry, we dress up, meet up and take each other's photos. (hashtag lonergirlswithblogs)

sunglasses- Celine, dress- thrifted, vest- Topshop, shoes from Gold Dot, bracelets c/o Leech Manila, nails by Nail It!

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I feel like it's been a while since I've actually written anything worth reading here. I have a short list of topics I've been wanting to write about (much of them touching on pre-quarter life crisis bullcrap) but most of the time they become futile attempts of disclosing feelings too common among the independent yuppies (Am I even considered one? Hope not). I'd like to think that most of the thoughts gathering inside my head are the same things people struggling to earn and survive alone in the city would conjure up. I think it's normal to constantly think of how quicker it would be to save up if I moved back to the province, or even move back in with my dad. Once I spend too much time daydreaming about that though, I immediately wake up to tell myself that I'm never letting go of this type of freedom! 

My daily routine hasn't been too monotonous, but I have definitely toned down on night-outs with friends, and have cut back even more on shopping. I am now more accustomed to handling my own schedule and being able to work with zero makeup in my pajamas, and I think for now I'm thankful that I am able to do that. But I am striving even more to set some form of control and discipline, to make better choices and decide to do the right things. I've always been told to plan and have only realized recently that I've never set long-term goals nor have I penned a concrete schedule for my career. I think I've been trying to narrow down to specific responsibilities, trying to set daily regiments that I know will lead to better outcomes and payoffs. 

I am now trying to accept the fact that some things just won't happen by chance, and that things won't be easily handed to me anymore. I may still act carefree, but these days I feel like I've been thinking about every detail of my life ten times more than I have ever done. Most days I feel like there's got to be an easier way to do things, but when did that ever guarantee growth with wisdom and maturity? 

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GRACE + LOUIE

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wired crown from Anagon

The golf cart is the only thing I can drive besides an ATV. Sadness. 

And I swear the color scheme of this house changes each time we gather here for the holidays. 

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Snapped some photos during my quick trip this morning to see the fam over a late thanksgiving celebration. Being the eldest among the grandchildren, it's natural for the adults to keep prying into my life, especially when it comes to my career. I've never been pressured to set an example but now they're saying that all the things I've accomplished has made me the benchmark for what my cousins have to attain.

Coming from a really traditional family, it's been predetermined for each one of us to choose a "real" profession- that means all art courses  (even Bachelor of Arts courses) shouldn't be considered/are unacceptable. It's a pretty backwards way of thinking, especially nowadays when making a business out of your name or brand through a more artistic output can actually generate more income (but we all know it comes with a bigger risk). I guess our parents just want all of us to have a license to serve as a fallback. I honestly felt that taking the oath for Interior Designers this afternoon didn't change anything for me. Sure, it meant I could charge more for my services and my work would be recognized by the government, but it doesn't guarantee a successful career.

I'm curious as to what my cousins will be taking up for college. My sister quit her first course (Accountancy with Applied Economics) since her passion was clearly in music, so there's an added pressure on her part to prove to the family that she made the right decision. But I am happy that she has that passion- a lot of people lack the fire nowadays! As for me, I'm glad that my course is like design married with science. I want to try my luck in other fields and I am planning to take up Industrial Design or even get a master's in business administration, but first I have to get more experience in design. My goal for next year is to step out of my comfort zone and find another firm to learn from. I'm already nervous, but then again, I'd rather feel that way instead of being complacent. There is ALWAYS room for self-improvement.



Got the Philippine Institute of Interior Designers pin right after my Filipino Inventors Society pin... Not a bad way to close 2012! I am beyond thankful.

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